No Calamities, Too Many Calamities & Involuntarily Pissing Myself Via Electrocution

Anyways, It all came to a stop faster than Boris Johnson's career the other day and it wasn't long before I started mumbling "Please, give me a break" once again.It all started with electrocuting myself on the fence that keeps the pigs in. When that wire touched my belly as I leant over and I pissed myself I just knew my dry run was over. Literally. That was the very moment that I knew things were back to normal. That weird tingling that coursed through my body, that feeling of warm liquid trickling down my legs, that weird screech I made as I bit the end of my tongue and the inside of my cheek, I knew. It was an epiphany. I saw the light. I felt the demons return and with a puff of pissy steam I fell on the floor into a heap. I felt a chuckle rise up from my scorched belly, up into my chest and kind of out of my mouth. I say kind of because I was still biting my tongue for some reason, so it just sounded like someone farting in the bath.

I had a shower in my little shower tent and decided to sort my shit out. I had a beard trim and another shower. I went and got an accidental haircut (I thought it was the vape shop but alas, it was the barbers. A sign indeed!) I went shopping and bought some decent food to replace the rubbish in the fridge. I did my laundry with extra washing pod liquid ball things and even used tumble drier sheets. Life was feeling good! Not sure why it was seeing as I'd pissed myself and been electrocuted, but it was. Maybe the realisation that the calamities were back spurned me on to look good for the nurses should I end up in A&E.

Sure enough, over the next few days bad shit happened to me. Absolutely fucking loads of it! I fitted a new diesel tank for my heater a while ago and used one of those army style Jerry cans. I never bothered securing it down properly as I wasn't sure it would work. After a successful shopping trip, I jumped in the front and the stench of diesel made me wonder if 17 mechanics were hiding under my van. I jumped out quicker than a greased cat on a marble floor as the fumes burned my eyeballs to a liquified pulp. I went to the back of the van to see a puddle on the floor, all glistening in the sun. Drip. Drip. Drip. I opened the door and wanted to cry at what I saw: 15 litres of liquid gold shimmering on my carpet, my boots, slowly soaking into the bed supports and everything else that was in its path! Because I hadn't secured the tank, it moved and the pipe at the bottom had worked loose. And the can emptied itself, rather proudly, into my van.I spent the next 3 days stripping, washing, scrubbing and mending. It's not too bad now, the smell. It's liveable at least. Just have to replace the floor at some point and fit a new carpet.

The days that followed were just as calamitous. Is that a word? Calamitous? It is now anyway. You heard it here first. Having said that, I think I may have invented that word in a previous blog. I digress. I had built a small outdoor kitchen over the last few months on the farm. Well, compiled, rather than built I guess. Anyway, the "decent" tarp I was using decided to rip in half in a mildly strong gust of wind. Not best pleased about that... Oh, and my tv fell off the wall bracket today. Not only did actual poo leave my rusty sheriff's badge when it smacked into the kitchen side harder than my jaw the first time I ever saw a real pair of boobs, it also broke. But, on the upside, it missed my fresh packet of coconut rings! I didn't say owt. Nothing at all. I just looked at the big blue packet of delicious rings of coconutty delightfulness and sat there eating them until they'd all gone. Burping and belly bubbling, I then calmly proceeded to clear the TV up.

My burn healed up nicely though, from when I steamed my arm over the kettle. A nice scar but I didn't lose my arm which is good I guess.

So I reckon we can safely say calamity service has resumed! It's like it never went away. I must go now because I've just remembered that I've got a packet of peanut flavour crisps that look like wotsits but are better in the cupboard and I don't want to get crisp bits on my laptop.

"Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends with "mt."The English language is full of idiosyncrasies, and the word "dreamt" is one of them. According to Oxford Dictionaries, "dreamt" (and its variations, such as "undreamt") is the only word in the English language that ends with the letters "mt."